Adopting appropriate expectations

Principles to keep in view during a collaborative conversation

A question of self-awareness: 
Do we both acknowledge that these principles and practices are effective in building trust and intimacy with each other?

1. Conflict happens at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs. 
   
   If I want my partner's needs to be met in this situation, they're more likely to want my needs to be met.  Then, the strategies we adopt together will be win-wins.
   
   
   
2. I am 100% responsible for getting my needs met, in partnership. 
   
   My conversation partner has sovereignty over their own motivations.  If I want to know what it will take for them to make the change I want in their behavior, I will ask them and listen.
   
   "Entitlement" means believing my responsibility ends when I voice a complaint or give my partner instructions.  Entitlement is treating my partner as a prepaid resource, not as a self-sovereign person who is fully in charge of their own values and motivations.  (Parenting patterns set unfortunate, unconscious expectations here.) 
   
   If I respect my partner's sovereignty over their own motivation (and I don't pressure them with disapproval or threats), they will more likely feel respected as a separate person.  Someone I treat with respect will more likely want to help me get my needs met.  Acting entitled to their compliance ... not so much.
   
   
   
3. Is my intent for this communication 1) to relate or 2) to control? 
   
   Unmasking the Intent to Control by Susan Campbell
   
   
   "Every communication has an intent behind it.  Most of us do not pay enough attention to this hidden intent — in ourselves and in others — especially if the intent has something to do with control — like trying to control an unknown outcome or trying to mask one's anxiety about feeling "not in control".  In my research, I discovered that almost 90% of human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control." 
   —Susan Campbell
   
   
   
   
4. I'm willing to be known, by myself and by my conversation partner, without any deception or withholding. 
   
   This skill is a superpower that demands consistent practice with sweaty courage:  Disclosing how I feel and what I want without protecting particular intentions and identities from being seen by either of us.
   
   Once learned, this superpower can transform how one brings oneself to a relationship — from a defensive crouch of fear and control to a capacity for deep trust and intimacy.
   
   
   
5. I'm here first to listen to and understand my conversation partner's desired experiences in this challenging situation. 
   
   The key that opens the door to me getting my needs met in this situation is for my conversation partner to feel safe from my value judgments and to be heard or held or helped by me, as THEY choose.
   
   
   
6. Kindness and respect open doors and hearts.
   
   
   
7. Complaining or venting frustration at the other person closes their ears and their heart. 
   
   Behaviors motivated by fear and entitlement are ineffective ways to get my needs met.
   
   If my partner feels safe with me, they can listen from the heart, with vulnerability. 
   
   To the extent I come to the conversation with armor on, expecting a conflict, so will they.
   
   
   
8. I can't bully someone into cooperation. 
   
   I'm responsible for meeting my own needs, in partnership. 
   
   I can ask my conversation partner to hear me or hold me or help me.