Guide to setting up a collaborative conversation

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Here's how to set up a collaborative conversation to resolve a conflict.

For a transformative change, create a safe space for your conversation partner.

Forgive impulsive defensiveness from the past ... by either of you.
Invest nothing in value judgments about either of you.
If you withhold connection and acceptance to manipulate your partner, you're undermining trust, and trust is difficult to recover. Withholding connection doesn't motivate the behavior you want.
Offer your full presence to listen:
Focus on your felt-sense of what your conversation partner is experiencing in the present moment. Listen with acceptance of their experience as valid instead of focusing on stories about the past or the future. (You can listen empathically whether or not you agree with their story.) Our stories are usually agendas serving self-protective impulses. They tend to keep people from hearing each other in the present.

Here are some steps you might consider to help facilitate a mutually satisfying conversation about the situation with PersonB.

Choose the right time and place.
Timing can make a big difference. Try to find a moment when both of you are calm and not preoccupied with other stressors. A neutral setting, like a cozy spot you both enjoy, can also help.
Use "I" statements.
Speaking about your own experience with your partner rather than about their behavior will help keep the focus on connection instead of control. For example, you might say, "I feel disappointed and stressed when you tell me in an angry tone that my belongings are 'out of place'. Can we talk about how we can manage our shared space in a way that respects the needs of both of us?"
Offer compassionate attention to your own thoughts and beliefs.
Often, especially when we're suffering, we can lose sight of the thoughts and beliefs that are giving rise to our pain.

The Work of Byron Katie offers a simple process for reaching clarity about what is real in your world and what's the product of fearful projections. Spending a little time alone to become clearer about our own inner dynamics can liberate us from the root causes of our suffering.
Express your feelings respectfully.
Be honest about how you feel about PersonB's reactions, using "I" statements. It's important PersonB understands the emotional impact their words and tone have on you without feeling attacked or judged. (Using scorn as a motivator is counter-effective. Learning stops when safety is withdrawn.)
Listen actively.
Give PersonB a chance to share their perspective without interrupting or trying to correct their perceptions. If you truly understand their feelings and where they're coming from, your understanding can help you get "on their team" and reach mutual respect and understanding.
Seek agreement, beginning with shared values.
Begin by identifying the values you share, especially around the kind of relationship and communication you both want. (Conflicts are usually rooted at the level of our strategies, not our values.)

Work toward mutual understanding and a resolution that respects the needs of both of you. This is empathic conversation for connection, not a debate or a control drama.
Set boundaries.
It's okay to set boundaries around how you expect to be treated. You might say something like, "I understand that tidiness is important to you. I'd like us to find a way to work on that matter as partners without venting anger at each other. Can we work on that together?"
Consider seeking professional help.
If these conversations tend to go off the rails, it might be helpful to see a couples therapist. Professionals can provide a neutral space and guidance to improve communication, though, sadly, that's not guaranteed. (Therapists are people, too.)
With The Return-to-Love Process, you can request a scripted conversation about your situation as you describe it. Among people who've used this approach, a healthy majority report having a shared experience of transcending the difficulties in the situation or making substantial progress toward mutual understanding and empathy.

It's about creating a partnership where both of you feel respected and heard. You might find empathic understanding with your first Return-to-Love script, or it may take a few conversations to get there. That's okay. You're taking a positive step by wanting to address your disconnections mindfully.

If this is new for your partner or you expect resistance, here's a scripted approach to engage them creatively.

Become clear about the situation you want to address with your partner. (Creating a Return-to-Love situation and getting a script is a good way.)
Ask your partner, "I'd like to propose an interesting opportunity for us. Is this a good time?"
If they answer with openness, tell your partner, "I've found a creative way to address uncomfortable situations and conflicts in a respectful, collaborative way. It's an online service called The Return-to-Love Process. It guides people step by step to hear each other's needs and validate them. A scripted conversation about our situation guides us into better mutual understanding and empathy. Many people have unexpectedly benefitted from this approach. Would you be willing to consider an experiment with The Return-to-Love Process?"
If they say, "yes", say, "Here's how it works: The Return-to-Love Process asks us for a description of our situation and our desired experiences that are threatened or unmet. Then it creates a script to help us have a collaborative conversation about our situation. The only skill required is reading lines together. If nothing else, I'll feel better if I hear you say the truthful words the script gives us to say ... if you're willing."
If your partner expresses a willingness to participate, ask them, "What would help you feel safe and respected as we engage in this approach?" Then listen and do what you're willing to do to accommodate your partner's sense of safety and well-being about this communication process.
"There are two ways we can start. In private, each of us can describe the situation to the Return-to-Love Process and then bring our scripts to the conversation. We can enact both scripts and see how we feel about continuing to talk. Or we can sit together with the Return-to-Love Process and create entries on the form together so we get one script to enact."

"Which would you prefer?"
If your partner asks you, "Do you think we really need to do this?", say, "I want to see how it feels when we say the scripted words to each other."

If they still resist, say, "Please help me understand how you feel about maybe having this experience together." And listen. Please don't debate them about how they feel. Feeling resistant about an unknown experience is perfectly normal.
Set appropriate expectations.

We've created a list of collaborative-conversation principles that will help you both succeed if you keep them in front of you during the conversation.

It's inevitable to feel some vulnerability in addressing a topic of conflict or misunderstanding that you haven't resolved yet. A Return-to-Love script provides a safe path over those sore spots.

The alternatives to the Return-to-Love Process are:

Continue to avoid the issue, tolerating discomfort and maybe even building resentments.
Seek counseling.
Speak impulsively to each other about your discomforts and risk alienating each other further.

"We need to talk" is a confrontive way to start a conversation, so we recommend you avoid using that phrase. It suggests you think you can represent what the other person needs or that your needs trump the other person's needs. If even on a subtle level, the person hearing this may react defensively. (Experience has colored how we hear this particular phrase.)

A more respectful way to say it is, "There's something I want to talk with you about. Is this a good time?"

There's heart-melting magic in raising a troubling topic in a kind, vulnerable way. Trying to hide your vulnerability with self-protection communicates mistrust (and is seldom possible, anyway).

Trust is part earned, part good will. Mistrust is part earned, part bad will.

Caveat: Please be advised ...

Some people are so entrenched in their way of seeing themselves as "not needing to change" that they resent any implication that your needs require more attention than they're currently getting from them in your relationship. Such people can react defensively or even aggressively when you request a collaborative conversation about needs and desired experiences.

It may be sensible to ask a close friend for advice about your partner and the risks of presenting them an opportunity to learn more about you and your needs in the relationship.

If you believe your partner is unable to handle the challenge of hearing about ways in which your needs are not 100% fulfilled with them, that may be an important marker about the relationship for you. Can you accept the status quo rather than risking rocking your partner's boat? There is no "right answer" to this question. I hope you will give this question space within you for mature consideration.

Good luck! Please let us know how we can help.

Please send us feedback about your experience and how we can help.

A true story about a scripted conversation that changed everything

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