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in relationship work and emotional intelligence


What is "empathy"?


Partner-sourced empathy — The other person can feel your discomfort and treat it as valid without making it about themselves.  They can keep their felt-sense attention focused on you without snapping back to their own agenda. 

Self-sourced empathy — You can feel the discomfort of the other person and treat it as valid without making it about you.  You can keep your felt-sense attention focused on the other person without it snapping back to your own agenda. 


Cognitive empathy — You can understand the thoughts and feelings of another person without necessarily feeling them yourself.  With cognitive empathy, you have an accurate "theory of mind" about the other person.  Your cognitive awareness of their perspective and feelings is an accurate representation. 

Emotional empathy — You have an internal experience of the other person's emotional experience and can resonate with them on a deeper level of understanding.  Emotional empathy is a felt-sense experience.  It involves being present with the other person's feelings and maintaining a sufficient focus on them to feel the flow of what they're feeling. 


How many of us have been taught how to identify and express our sensations and emotions ("feelings") in a kind, creative, vulnerable way that takes ownership for how we feel?  (Not in my family.  Not in my school.  How about yours?) 

How many of us have learned how to listen to others express their feelings with enough of our felt-sense attention that we can feel our own sense of what they're feeling?  That's emotional empathy. 

We may be on new ground here.  Sharpening the skills of emotional intelligence is within reach ... with practice. 
BR/> The Return-to-Love Process™ provides a way to practice empathy by enacting a script with a conversation partner about a situation that's troubling for at least one of you.  The collaborative conversation need not be constrained by the script.  The script provides a safe container for the conversation.  It sets a kind, respectful tone and moves toward better understanding and empathy ... and possibly toward a productive resolution of the uncomfortable situation. 

"Brene Brown on Empathy" is a video with animation in which Brene demonstrates her inspired understanding of empathy and how to describe it in a felt-sense way. 


The Return-to-Love Process™ is about learning to practice self-awareness and emotional intelligence as you engage in kind, effective, scripted conversations.