How do I feel?

When someone asks you, "How do you feel about ... ?", does that feel like an intrusion, or does it show you that the other person cares about you and wants to share your experience? Do you drop into your body and listen to your felt-sense? Or do you direct your attention up into your head and try to "figure out" how you feel? (That's how I was taught to answer that question.)

Some people are more conversant about their feeling states and sensations than others. We've all felt confused from time to time about how we feel. Feelings can be complex. They don't name themselves. Naming our feelings is a learned skill -- part of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Our psyche has different parts that can feel differently about any situation, making it all the more confusing until we can hear and feel into each of those parts-voices-subpersonalities separately.

How many of us have been taught how to identify and express our feelings in a kind, creative, vulnerable way that takes ownership for how we feel? (Not in my family. Not in my school. How about yours?) How many of us have been taught how to listen to others' feelings and feel our own sense of what they're feeling? (That's empathy.) We may be on new ground here. These skills are within reach ... with practice. The Return-to-Love Process™ provides a way to practice.

In this video with animation, "Brene Brown on Empathy", Brene demonstrates her inspired understanding of empathy and how to describe it in a felt-sense way.

"The purpose of expressing feelings is to connect -- to give the other person a window into our interior experience. Expressions of feelings can be like windows or walls."
-- Alan Rafael Seid, a collaborator on RapportTalk.com and someone I consider to be a wise man

I and my small team have made a profound discovery about awareness of feelings. If you ask someone a fill-in-the-blank question about how they feel, many people (dare I say "most"?) sit uncomfortably for a moment and say, "Pretty bad, I guess" or "Fine" -- evasive non-answers to a question asked by someone seeking a deeper understanding of their experience. But if you ask someone to choose from a list of feelings, they can do it easily -- at least everyone with whom I've conducted this experiment. I learned this with a deck of Feelings cards. (See Grok Cards.)

A good friend who wasn't conversant about his feelings around a particularly wounding situation between his wife and him seven years earlier sorted through about 100 Feelings cards in 5 minutes, selecting the cards that best described how he felt in that fraught situation. It's simply easier to choose from a list than to come up with something insightful on your own to satisfy a void in someone's understanding of you. In the specific instance of my friend, he showed his handful of Feelings cards to his wife who was sitting on the other side of the dining table. They had been estranged for seven years while still living together.

His wife looked at his cards and was surprised. They revealed that his feelings about that traumatizing event were nuanced, vulnerable, and regretful. She immediately went to his side of the table, sat on his lap, and gave him a soft kiss. They both burst into tears. They were able to speak about the wounding event and their feelings about it in a tender way. His willingness to be vulnerable and to have his feelings seen by her opened doors for both of them. Within a few days with more sharing, they were happily reconciled and intimate again.

I can't put a deck of Feelings cards in your hand, but I can do something better: Here's a list of "all feelings" to choose from with your mouse or touchscreen and an easy way to sort them.

There are maybe 20 or 30 feelings that are familiar to you in your life -- call them "My Feelings". And there is a small number of feelings that describe your experience in a particularly uncomfortable situation with a significant other -- call them "My Feelings in This Situation". As you feel your way back into that vulnerable situation, I propose you spend about five minutes selecting your most relevant feelings and moving them into the list, My Feelings in This Situation.

How do I feel? Here's a surprisingly easy way to learn how you feel.